First Valentine's Single in 10 Years.

Earnest (sorry) Thoughts on Love

I used to think I knew a lot about love. I was in a monogamous relationship with a man for nine years that was deeply fulfilling and so peaceful. We were so happy; we had so much fun, we laughed often, we understood each other. He was gentle and kind and safe. Everything was easy. During that time, I considered myself a relationship expert. Relationships were so easy; I didn’t understand why people complained about them being hard. They’d complain about fights with their significant other, having to compromise, being upset because their partner did something wrong. I was perplexed; you guys fight? You had to compromise? Your partner does things you don’t like? You’re with the wrong person. I have someone who completely understands me and you could have that too. That exists for everyone and it’s no work at all. You need to keep looking. 

But in my relationship, there was a wedge between us from the very beginning, an unresolvable problem that we put off confronting for as long as we could: literally nine years. The unresolvable problem was not even the fact that I am gay. I was content denying that part of myself to be with him because we were so comfortable and cared so deeply for each other. I thought this was as good as it could ever get. And the alternative (ending what to an outsider was a perfect relationship, being without him, facing the world alone) was terrifying. We’d been together since I was 20 years old. I didn’t know how to be an adult alone in the world. And so we stayed together until we couldn’t anymore. I don’t think either of us wanted it to end, but we knew it had to, and that was the hardest part. 

It’s been over a year since my ex and I broke up. Looking back now with a clearer view of what really happened, there were a lot of flaws in our relationship that I was intentionally ignoring. We both made mistakes; we were young and so in love. I walked all over him; he let me. Every problem that arose, I shut down with a “because I said so”; he never fought back. I thought that’s what you had to do: stand your ground and if the other person loved you enough, they’d give in. Of course I know now that that is not what a relationship is. 

I do consider this relationship a success even though it ended. We added so much joy and love to each other’s lives for as long as we could, and I look back on much of it fondly. I am slowly learning that relationships are, in fact, challenging, and navigating new relationships after nine years plus having them all be queer relationships is difficult for me. I’ve been on so many dates. Everyone is so different. It’s overwhelming and strange and exhausting and scary and makes me crave the times I could just sink into someone so familiar. I have much to learn (a big one being not to mention exes on a first date, something that is proving… impossible for me) and I hate not being perfect at something immediately. When I was in a relationship, being single was something I was convinced I would excel at. I longed to be single to prove I would be amazing at it. I’m hot and adorable and funny and charming and so so loveable… everyone will fall in love with me immediately. In fact, no! Weird, right. 

I’m willing to admit now that there are things I don’t know about love. But I believe I was born to be a lover. I have so much love to give, and luckily, there are so many ways to give love. To friends, family, acquaintances, strangers, coworkers, your competition, customers, pets, enemies, children. Yourself. I’m giving a lot of love to the people in my life, myself included, because love is never a waste. I can’t wait until I get to be in love again. And until then, I will give it away like candy to whoever wants it. 

Thank you for reading. Happy Valentine’s Day.